Fake Cop, Busted by Real Cop

Wanna-be cops have always amused the Bad Lawyer and his pals at the 'bucks--and it's been the topic of conversation on more than one occasion here at Bad Lawyer, so you can imagine my delight when I encountered this delightful account at KC Crime Scene with a link to the original article at the KC Star.

Captain Rich Lockhart of the Kansas City Police rolled into a local charter school the other day and encountered a security guard dressed up as if he were a Kansas City Police officer.  I mean he was all uniformed and leathered-up but the colors weren't quite right, the weapon was wrong, Captain Lockhart suspected that Jeff A. Swanson was not who he said he was.  Sure and night follow day, he was a wanna-be cop!

The Kansas City Police confiscated his uniform, his badge, a police baton, pepper spray, KCPD  "collar brass" and .380-caliber sidearm.  Nice.

Wanna-Be-Cop--Part Two

So my pal Chris tipped me this article from Cleveland.com.  Don Shaffer, 55, a Canton, Ohio resident was escorting 7 Massillon City school buses, well let me quote Michael Sangiacomo's (unintentionally?) comic account: 

"[Mr. Shaffer] was charged Wednesday with impersonating a peace officer, impeding the flow of traffic and having improper lights on a motor vehicle. The Summit County Sheriff's Office began to investigate Shaffer after the Nov. 28 crash because many of the people on the buses thought he was a police officer.  He is not a police officer but he dresses like one, deputies said. He runs a business escorting funeral processions. 'He was operating a white 2006 three-wheeled motorcycle equipped with red and amber lights and stars affixed to all sides of the motorcycle that resembled that of a sheriff's vehicle,' said Sheriff's Inspector William Holland in a news release. 'He was also found to be wearing a uniform that resembled that of a deputy sheriff's uniform, including patches on the sleeves and a breast badge.'

Investigators said Shaffer was not hired to assist the seven busloads of students, band members, football players and boosters as they made their way home from the University of Akron's InfoCision Stadium, where the team had lost to Glenville High in a state semifinal. Shaffer was escorting the buses as a favor to one of his friends, investigators said.

Shaffer motioned a car driving alongside a bus off to the right side of the road. But in doing so, the driver cut off another car. The driver overcorrected and pulled in front of one of the buses, causing the bus driver to brake suddenly. Another bus rear-ended the first bus, causing its engine to catch fire. The 21 injured band members were treated at several Akron hospitals for minor injuries. Traffic was tied up for hours."

As you read this account, did the theme from the old Benny Hill show begin playing in your mind?

Wanna-Be-Cop

There is a wanna-be-cop (WBC) who comes into the Starbucks most mornings where the Bad Lawyer and his posse gather to mull over the morning news, and flirt with the good looking women who commute downtown to their respective positions of responsibility in OurTown's residual corporate and judicial culture.

If I have already described this coffee venue, pardon moi,  I'm sure most of you have passed through a Starbucks or some local or similar coffee operation, maybe you do it as often as the Bad Lawyer, doubtful,  but this particular location has a special flavor for those of us who frequent it.  For one thing it is the pinch point in the northwest traffic funnel into downtown.  It is the last stop for a hot (or cold) caffeinated beverage before you pull into your lot at work.  The building is a converted gas station with a samll partially enclosed patio has a one way parking lot that at best can accomodate five or six cars simultaneously, with additional parking in back and along the side street;  but, during rush hour the parking is an amusing car crunch.  Parking directly effects the mood of the customers, some of whom are known to double park their cars blocking in those who came before and are parked in legitmate spots.  My friends that have aggregated there, are a pretty witty group of achievers and veteran social/cultural critics the parking follies (which we deliberately do not contribute to--by parking a short walk to the shop as our anonymous offering of good will to those in a hurry--plus, it means more women to ogle.)  As you can imagine, among the lovely female commuters, many friends, and former colleagues, politicians and the like pass through this coffee shop and engage our aggregation in debate, gossip, and worldly observations mostly about OurTown, OurState, and girls. 

We have taken notice of the wanna-be-cop (WBC).  I do not have a picture of this young guy, so the pic-above will have to serve.  And it is a good pic, because in this guy's mind, we imagine that this is what he thinks he looks like.  In fact he looks like a total douche.  Among the most pathetic side-effects of testosterone poisoning you encounter in the world, is the guy who "wants to be a cop," who for some reason, is not a cop.  WBC, is a security guard with a jar-head haircut, who dresses full-SWAT.  WBC is a security guard who packs heat, clubs, various insruments of torture, a bullet proof vest, and, yes, you guessed it--a taser.

Let us now praise, WBC, for he has not to my knowledge ever snarled at, harmed, been rude to, or insulted in any way any of the "barista"-class, or other customers of this Starbucks.  As far as I can tell, aside from dressing like a modern-day Don Quixote (who according to Cervantes, although he didn't use this expression--looked like a douche), WBC is harmless.  Maybe I will test his serenity, and ask him to pose for a picture--if suddenly, I'm disabled and unavailable to update for a few days you will know that it did not go well.