I was (am) a sick lawyer and I concluded alcohol significantly contributed if not caused my sickness. My drinking during my adult years--you know, who the fuck knows, I can't trust my memory because it is so shaped my wish to see myself a certain way--in fact, if you've been reading this blog and I've said anything self-aggrandizing feel free to ignore it as pure unadulterated bullshit. I'm no less an addict than anyone else I've talked about in this blog--I'm just still here and able to string these words together.
From the time I was a kid, I was interested in alcohol and the effects on grown ups. When I was in the Army I pretty much avoided trouble with booze because I was a pussy, a quitter. It's probably the reason I don't drink now--I'm a total quitter, a chickenshit. When I couldn't keep my bile down, when I had the anxiety attacks (dt's?) I had to do something to stop the psychic pain, so I quit drinking. While my alcoholic drinking lasted for 4 years into the early years of my law career it was enough for me.
Drinking itself as I've said here before, is just a symptom of the larger mental illness. The sickness: the self-absorption, grandiosity, oversensitivity and undermining that I'm still grappling with twenty-three years later--relieve me of the burden of self. Seriously, what a pantload I am.