Thursday, October 29, 2009

I Was a Sick Lawyer

I was (am) a sick lawyer and I concluded alcohol significantly contributed if not caused my sickness.  My drinking during my adult years--you know, who the fuck knows, I can't trust my memory because it is so shaped my wish to see myself a certain way--in fact, if you've been reading this blog and I've said anything self-aggrandizing feel free to ignore it as pure unadulterated bullshit.  I'm no less an addict than anyone else I've talked about in this blog--I'm just still here and able to string these words together.

From the time I was a kid, I was interested in alcohol and the effects on grown ups.  When I was in the Army I pretty much avoided trouble with booze because I was a pussy, a quitter.  It's probably the reason I don't drink now--I'm a total quitter, a chickenshit.  When I couldn't keep my bile down, when I had the anxiety attacks (dt's?) I had to do something to stop the psychic pain, so I quit drinking.  While my alcoholic drinking lasted for 4 years into the early years of my law career it was enough for me.

Drinking itself as I've said here before, is just a symptom of the larger mental illness.  The sickness: the self-absorption, grandiosity, oversensitivity and undermining that I'm still grappling with twenty-three years later--relieve me of the burden of self.  Seriously, what a pantload I am.

1 comment:

  1. I suspect a Catholic education, Bad Lawyer. It takes one to know one. My advice--a little Nietzsche to balance all that St. Augustine. Somewhere in the middle is sanity...still working it out, myself.