Saturday, March 27, 2010

You Might Be Drunk--If You Are Trying To Give Mouth-to -Mouth to a Dead Opposum

An Oliver Township, Pa. (north of Pittsburgh) man was spotted by witnesses trying to resuscitate a dead Opossum (anyone know the difference between a possum and an opossum, or are they the same thing?)  I suspect that this may be a heretofore unknown automatic indication that the lifegiver sammaritan is probably under the influence of something--probably alcohol. 

This report comes via the Pittsburght Tribune.  According to "Trooper Jamie Levier said several witnesses saw Donald Wolfe, 55, of Brookville, near the animal Thursday afternoon along Route 36 in Oliver Township. She said one person saw Wolfe kneeling before the animal and gesturing as though he were conducting a seance, while another saw the mouth-to-mouth attempt. Levier said Wolfe was 'extremely intoxicated' and 'did have his mouth in the area of the animal's mouth, I guess.'"

As an ex-drinker, I can strongly relate to this story.  While I don't recall ever trying to resuscitate any dead thing, I do recall the sentimental impulse.  Then again I don't remember all the things I did do drunk (alliteration alert,) however, I do have vague recall of running around a city street in less than all my clothes one night, why I can't say I recollect the reason. 


  1. This whole bleeding heart in the road thing started, I believe, with Loudon Wainright III.

  2. I regularly feed raccoons when I'm drunk. Never put my mouth near one, though. Did hit a cop in the jewels with my crutch while on a major vodka overdose (they said I blew over 4 times the legal limit and took me to the hospital for treatment). My favorite was trying to find my glasses that fell down the side of the hill in Mount Falcon Park while I was pretty snokered.
    I beleive you could start a whole new column of drunken exploits if you were of a mind to do so. It might not be as popular as, say, facebook, but I bet a lot of people would find their friends and loved ones on it.

  3. Casey--

    You might be right, relative to your thought about a spin off, my guess is AA or some affiliated organization has precisely that blog/forum. Unfortunately, most of the time drunk stories even when they're funny are actually pretty tragic.

    Like you there are more than a few moments in my life where under the influence I could manage at best "gross motor," and the grosser the better. It's a miracle that during my drinking days I didn't kill someone or myself while trying to operate a motor vehicle. Funny and chilling.

    Just yesterday I was out to supper with some friends and I was recounting an amazing AA "lead"--which if you drink like you purport to drink I'm sure you have heard a few AA stories. This guy was speaking at one of the longest running, legendary AA venues here in OurTown and this guy's common law spouse put a bullet in his head which miraculously did not kill him but which greatly effected his speech pattern. He had a strangled-stammer--and yet, this man was the most powerful speaker I ever heard. He utilized his speech impediment and organized his words in a way that the audience would complete his thoughts and words for him as he struggled to complete the sentences of his "lead." He would laugh, nodding his head in agreement as the audience audibly completed his words for him. You see, he had an impact that a flood of words from a more perfect and articulate speaker, could never have. Amazing.

    Thanks for commenting.